In my last blog entry, I wrote that Kristin Neff, the author of Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, says that there are three core components to self-compassion—a concept that I’ve said I think is even more effective than self-forgiveness. They are self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. (40)
About the first component, self-kindness, she says, “Self-compassion is a gift available to anyone willing to open to themselves. When we develop the habit of self-kindness, suffering becomes an opportunity to express love and kindness from within…We don’t need to look outside ourselves for the acceptance and security we crave. This is not to say that we don’t need other people. Of course we do. But who is in the best position to know how you really feel underneath that cheerful façade? Who is most likely to know what you need most? Who is the only person in your life who is available 24/7 to provide you with care and kindness? You.” (60)
I really related when Neff wrote about the “insecure attachment bond,” which a child can develop if their parents give “inconsistent support” or are “cold and rejecting.” These children will grow up tending “to feel they are unworthy and unlovable, and that people can’t be trusted.” (45)
Neff tells the story of her friend Emily. Emily was “awkward, gangly, and painfully shy” as a child, and her mother continually criticized her for this. As an adult, Emily was a professional dancer, “beautiful and graceful,” but she couldn’t maintain a relationship with a man, because she was overly defensive. She couldn’t trust.
But Emily learned to have compassion for herself. When she began to feel insecure, to criticize herself, or to feel rejected, she would silently say, “I love and accept myself exactly as I am.” (47) Emily began to trust others, and “her past no longer had anything to do with her present.” (47) Sounds a lot like “Radical Forgiveness,” doesn’t it? (See earlier blog entries on this.)
The second core component of self-compassion is recognizing our common humanity. Neff writes, “When we’re in touch with our common humanity, we remember that feelings of inadequacy and disappointment are shared by all. This is what distinguishes self-compassion from self-pity. Whereas self-pity says ‘poor me,’ self-compassion remembers that everyone suffers, and it offers comfort because everyone is human. The pain I feel in difficult times is the same pain that you feel in difficult times. The triggers are different, the circumstances are different, the degree of pain is different, but the process is the same. You can’t always get what you want. This is true for everyone, even the Rolling Stones.” (62)
However, when we fall short, instead of feeling connected to everyone else, often we feel that it is only us who are so flawed. And even when we’re having a difficult experience that isn’t our fault, we often feel separate and isolated. Even though we know it’s not true, we feel like we’re the only one who has been laid off from their job or has gotten a devastating diagnosis.
Neff also writes about how we don’t have to take all the responsibility for choosing to do what we do. She mentions the extremely famous and influential Zen Master Thich Nhat Hahn and his concept of “interbeing.” This is one of the ideas that is central to Buddhism. It means that no phenomenon has independent existence. Whatever is, comes into existence because of factors and conditions created by other phenomena. It is also called “Dependent Origination.” As Neff says, “We are the expression of millions of prior circumstances that have all come together to shape us in the present moment. Our economic and social background, our past associations and conversations, our culture, our family history, our genetics—they’ve all had a profound role in creating the person we are today.” (72) This makes sense, because if we had complete control over our actions, we’d only act in ways that we approved of. (72)
As Neff says, “A deep understanding of’ ‘interbeing’ allows us to have compassion for the fact that we’re doing the best we can given the hand life has dealt us.” “In reality, it doesn’t make any more sense to harshly blame ourselves than it does to blame a hurricane.” (73) The third core component in self-compassion in my next blog entry.
